Codependency and Addiction: Understand the Relationship and Get Help

The Relationship Between Codependency And Addiction

A spouse, parent, or sibling may become codependent as a way to manage the turmoil of their loved one’s addiction. Someone with an active addiction often has unpredictable emotions, behaviors, and moods. Their codependent will likely appease their every whim to self-manage their unreliability. 

A codependent person also believes they can force their loved one to stop using out of sheer will—or by succumbing to their every need and demand, hoping they can abate the feelings causing them to drink or use drugs. Failing to stop the substance use may drive the codependent to drugs, alcohol, or risky behaviors to cope with that pain.

Someone who’s codependent can enable their loved one’s addiction by accepting the behavior. Codependent people often live in denial—denial of their loved one’s addiction, how they need help, how they both need help—as a way to manage the problem. 

Denying the issue can give it fuel. The person with addiction may knowingly or unknowingly take advantage of that denial to continue using without consequences. So, their addiction may get worse, as would how they treat their codependent partner. The codependent, meanwhile, resorts further and further to their codependent tendencies to find some element of control. And so the cycle continues.

A lack of control and a codependent’s limitless desire for control can perpetuate their codependent behaviors. They may reason that if they just keep trying, they’ll eventually gain control; one day it’ll work and they’ll never drink again. But, as many come to realize, you can’t force someone out of addiction.

Challenges of Breaking The Cycle

The codependent may feel too scared or anxious to stop seeking control through appeasing their spouse/child/parent. They may also fear speaking up about their emotional pain, or even recognizing it at all. 

Someone with an addiction could find it easier to stay addicted if their partner goes along with it or pretends they can’t see it. They might not consider treatment, thinking they’ve “got it handled” and don’t need help. Over time, and without any treatment, their addiction can worsen. 

The codependent often experiences an addictive cycle of emotions. They can go from extreme lows to extreme highs, depending on how their partner treats them. The codependent may crave the next high just as a drug user craves a drug high. 

Treatment And Recovery

Professional treatment can help you find the cause of your codependency traits and develop new ways to manage a lack of control, real and perceived. Each person in a codependent relationship can benefit from treatment.

Treatment for The Codependent

Codependents can benefit from psychoeducation and taking a dive into their childhood. Psychoeducation teaches a codependent the “why” behind their behaviors, including the biochemical reactions that make the cycle so hard to leave. 

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can help a codependent recognize the traits of codependency and examine the emotions behind them. Since most codependents have had a traumatic or dysfunctional childhood, CBT sessions will likely focus on your childhood to find the root belief behind your emotions and behaviors. 

For example, you may believe others’ needs are your responsibility and will feel guilty if you don’t completely satisfy their needs. This ingrained belief may have begun in childhood, perhaps because of an emotionally volatile, mentally unwell, physically unwell, or addicted parent. CBT will help you identify what caused that belief and the guilt related to it, then change your coping tool (codependency).  

You can also benefit from peer support and self-help groups, whether they’re 12-Step-based or not. Support groups can help you find an explanation for your experience and others who share it. Other resources, like books and podcasts, can also help a codependent understand their traits and heal. Here’s a few books you could check out:

• Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others And Start Caring for Yourself
• Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives
• Codependence and the Power of Detachment: How to Set Boundaries and Make Your Life Your Own (For Adult Children of Alcoholics and Other Addicts)
• The Codependency Recovery Plan: A 5-Step Guide to Understand, Accept, and Break Free from the Codependent Cycle

Treatment for The Partner

The “partner” in a codependent relationship could be your romantic partner, but it broadly refers to the other person in your codependent relationship. That could be your spouse, child, parent, relative, or close friend. 

The codependent partner may not mean to drive someone to codependency. A codependent’s empathy and conscientiousness might be so highly attuned to negative emotions that healthy expressions of sadness, anger, or other negative emotions could trigger their partner’s codependent traits. 

But in some cases, if not most, the codependent’s partner has similar traits as the dysfunctional or abusive parent(s) the codependent grew up with. They have poor relationships in adulthood because it feels normal. That means a codependent is more likely to fall for a narcissist, an abuser, or someone exploitative. 

When your partner has a personality disorder, an addiction, or dark personality traits, they need professional treatment to heal. Treatment for addiction, for example, can help your partner address the cause of their addiction and identify new coping strategies for difficult emotions. After treatment, you’ll hopefully find your partner much more stable, reciprocative, and safe. In those cases, your codependent traits may fade because you simply don’t need them anymore. 

Once your partner has received proper treatment, you could both attend couples therapy. Here, you’ll address what triggers your codependency traits. Your partner will learn more about how it works for you and how they can help. They may also be able to reassure you that codependency isn’t their intent for you and that they’ll work with you to get well.

You and your family can also attend family therapy to address codependency in your family and how it affects each member. 

Prevention And Self-Care Strategies for Codependency

One way to prevent codependency is to educate yourself on what it is and what causes it. If you do recognize it in yourself, you can seek professional treatment and practice self-care strategies to prevent it from getting worse. Some strategies you can try include:

• Practice self-acceptance. Each day, try to take stock of the times you blame yourself for someone else’s negative emotions. Then, challenge the blame. Write down the process and your thoughts on it. See if you can make it a daily habit. 
• Surround yourself with people who make you feel safe. Can you identify people in your life who don’t make you feel responsible for their emotions? People who make you feel safe being yourself? Keep them close as you navigate your codependency.
• Set aside time just for you. Spend an hour, three hours, or any amount of time however you want—just not on the other person in your codependent relationship. Take a bath, go to the library, or take a walk. Anything that sounds nice to you. 
• Pursue what brings you joy. Rekindle old hobbies or try something new to give you an extra boost of happiness and confidence in your abilities. 

You can also attend treatment for codependency and addiction at rehab, which provides 24/7 support, intensive treatment, group and 1:1 therapy, and wellness services. 
Explore our list of rehabs treating codependency with pricing information, reviews, photos, and more.